


ALL THESE YEARS

by BellaGracie



Category: His Dark Materials - Philip Pullman
Genre: Angst, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-13
Updated: 2018-07-06
Packaged: 2019-05-21 13:38:17
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 1,422
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14916368
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BellaGracie/pseuds/BellaGracie
Summary: This is my second attempt at writing in this universe. My first was a few months ago. It got, like, two hits! I still haven't gotten the hang of writing daemons.Will has a life. Lyra doesn't.One-shot, because I can't even.





	1. Chapter 1

The strange woman had shown up just before he was closing his practice for the day. He would have said something to his receptionist, Sam, but Kirjava was suddenly alert, raising her head and fastening her eyes on the woman -- girl, actually, who had just entered the door. And then, Kirjava was leaping at the stranger, and Will saw . . .

_No! It's not possible!_

The pine marten clinging to the woman's shoulder settled it. That, and Kirjava's loud purring.

"What happened to you?" was the first thing that came out of Will's mouth. Because she was so thin. Haggard, almost. And it had been 10 years. Pan disappeared behind her back.

Lyra seemed embarrassed. She dropped her eyes and looked at her shoes. They were scuffed, Will noted. _Stop that_.

"Nothing," she said. "Nothing and nothing and nothing. That was why I decided to try and find you."

She looked appraisingly at him. In that look, she knew. She must have known. He had a life of his own now. The boy he was 10 years ago was almost gone. Almost.

"Your mother --?" Lyra asked.

"She's fine. She lives with me. I have my own house now," he said, and stopped. He couldn't continue. He had betrayed her.

She looked down at his hands. "Oh," she said. Then, "Good. I'm happy for you." He was used to strangers staring at his missing fingers but there was something else that had caught Lyra's attention.

"Won't you sit?" he said, uneasy.

She nodded and perched on the nearest chair. The silence in the room was deafening.

"I won't stay long, if that's what you're worried about," Lyra said. "I have things to do -- " her voice faded away.

"I can't believe you're here," Will said. "How is that possible?" He walked up to her and bent. She smelled like lavender, ineffably sweet. He touched her hair and she startled. Kirjava leaped onto her lap and purred. Her face softened and she stroked Kirjava's head.

He wanted to kiss her but she was skittish and looked warily at him. There was something hard about her now; hard and desperate.

"I don't care how you came to be here," Will said. "Only that you're here now."

She nodded. It seemed she had forgiven him for forgetting, for finding love, for getting married. Her own hands were bare. She had not given her love away, then.

"How is your mother?" she asked, again.

"She's good," Will said.

"I'm glad," Lyra said.

Silence again. There was so much he wanted to tell her but now he couldn't, he couldn't.

"You're a doctor," Lyra said.

"Yes," Will said. "A specialist. In cancer. My mother had a growth along her spine. I did the surgery. I removed it. She's well now."

"You were always good -- with knives," Lyra said. Her voice trembled.

"And what about you?" Will said. "What did you become?"

"I teach," Lyra said.

Will was about to congratulate her when she continued, "It's very dull."

"You're teaching at Oxford?" Will said.

"No!" Lyra said, and looked surprised. "I left Oxford ages ago. I've never been back."

Will was confused. He'd always imagined Oxford as her home. They had managed to meet every year, at that bench. She had never missed the occasion.

"So where are you now?" he asked.

"Well, I'm here," Lyra said. "In your world."

And Will couldn't help his heart breaking a little, knowing. Pan was burrowed into her chest, peeking out at him with hopeless, despairing eyes.

 _Be her_ , he thought. _Be her._

Pan shrank even further into Lyra's chest, and then Will shook his head. It _was_ still Lyra. Only Lyra could have found him again. She might not look as he'd imagined she would look, like some Valkyrie or goddess, but beneath the tiny frame was a heart as big and undaunted as the heart of any warrior.

She was getting up. Kirjava leaped from her lap onto Will's shoulder and dug her claws into him. He winced.

"Stay," he said. "Please." His voice sounded suddenly pleading and desperate. Ridiculous.

She was shaking her head. Pan had emerged from her blouse and was now hanging off one shoulder, staring at him with bright (but still wary) eyes.

His cell phone beeped; Lyra jumped.


	2. Chapter 2

Will let the call go to Voice Mail. All the while, he never took his eyes off Lyra's face.

"What's her name?" she asked.

"Kathy," he said. He swallowed.

"I'm happy for you," Lyra said. Pan moved restlessly over her shoulder, wouldn't look at either him or Kirjava.

"Thanks," Will said. He shrugged. Kirjava's claws were painful on his right shoulder. "I'd like -- Kathy and I would like -- to invite you over for dinner."

 _Please_ , Will thought. _Say yes_.

"I don't know . . . " Lyra said, not meeting his eyes.

"And, you sure you have a place to stay? Because we have a guest room. And Mum would love to see you."

*     *     *

He ushered her gently into the hallway. He caught the faint scent of ammonia -- Kathy had been cleaning.

"We're here!" Will called out.

Silence. Vaguely, Will wondered where his wife might be.

"Would you mind waiting here a moment?" Will asked.

Lyra nodded. It worried Will that she was so pale but he tamped down his concern and hurried into the kitchen. The faucet was dripping; he turned it off. Of all things, why? Why now? He glanced longingly at the liquor cabinet. He glanced down at his watch: It was a little after five-thirty.

The thought struck him: she'd come for their meeting at the bench. In the shock of seeing her again, he'd forgotten the day, what he'd intended to do when he'd woken up that morning.


	3. THE HUSBAND

He hasn't betrayed her. Not really. Kathy can't see Kirjava, so Will is able to keep Lyra in a special place, one that he knows Kathy will never discover.

He jumps when he feels Kirjava bat at his right ankle. "Not now," he grumbles.

"Is that her?" Kathy asks.

And so they meet at last, the two halves of his life. Kathy looks a little shocked. Looking at Lyra through Kathy's eyes he feels guilt because he notes that her hair is unkempt, and her clothes are shapeless and bagg-y. She's just so thin, her face all sharp planes, making her eyes look enormous.

Kirjava alone understands. Kirjava leaps at Pantalaimon as though she has spent the last several years being thirsty. The sight so distracts Will that he forgets the question he was in the middle of answering.

He finally registers his wife's voice: "Are you all right?" Kathy asks. She places a hand protectively on his forearm.

He manages to gasp, "Yes." Lyra is looking at them. Or, to be more specific, looking at Kathy's hand on Will's forearm. Then, her eyes drift away, ever so slightly.

"I should go," Lyra says.

* * *

"Will! Are you all right?" his wife asks, rousing him from his dream.

It had seemed so real.

He locks gazes with her. He can't speak. But he nods. It was an abominable dream. The same one he's had for years. But this time, his wife seems to suspect something.

"You've been acting strange all evening," Kathy says. "This has something to do with _her_ , doesn't it?"

"No," Will says immediately, taking his wife into his arms. "I just -- I get scared for us sometimes. I dream about us being separated. Me dying or you."

"No, that's not it," Kathy says, slowly. "Will Parry, are you lying to me?"

Will shakes his head. But inside he is chaos. He can't help thinking of Lyra, not as she is, but as she existed in his imagination.

He is married. Kathy is his wife. He loves Kathy. She fixed him, made him present. Now his thoughts go this way and that, past and present and, yes, even the future flowing together. He was alone for so long!

His mother was spending the weekend out-of-town, with Mary Parry. When she returned, she would know immediately the root of Will's problem. She would be back on Monday. Today was Friday.

He thinks of Lyra: gentle, wise Lyra. He could no more stop thinking of her than a dog could stop being a dog or Kirjava could stop being a cat.

Speaking of Kirjava, where was she? Suddenly, it struck him that Kirjava was with them. No question. And then Will felt despair. Because he could not leave his wife alone in the bed, but he could not go to Lyra, either.

 

 


End file.
